Writer struggles
I was watching a vlog by a writer on utube about feeling like you’re failing. It was a year old so mid-panini. I started to write a reply of sorts, but it got too long and it is something I wanted to say too, so here goes.
It IS hard to stay excited, no matter how much you love your stories, your ideas, when it feels like no one cares. No one wants to read what you’ve written, no one cares how it’s going, and you have no one to talk through plot points and sticky scenes with. I feel that so deeply. I’ve often wondered what’s worst, having no one care or encourage you, or having the pressure of readers waiting and fear of failure.
I too have always struggled to make friends and to insert myself in other people’s conversations. It is incredibly frustrating to feel so alone in groups of people. While I am an introvert that does not mean I don’t want friends.
People keep saying stuff like ‘just be yourself and you’ll attract the right people!’ I call bs, because that’s never been my experience.
I’ve been writing for decades. I’ve been focusing on it for 7-8 years now (since the accident because I could no longer do what I did before), just like I focused on trying to make local friends for years before that. I’m tired of trying. I’m tired of trying harder and failing harder, over and over. I’ve more or less given up. Just for once I want someone else to make the effort.
In the last three years most have gone from ‘too busy and don’t have time’, to ‘everyone’ is exhausted and is trying to muster the energy to just keep up with their own stuff. I know I am, my health leaves me drained and exhausted most of the time nowadays.
I sometimes want to scream – how many of you get up in the morning, day after day, month after month, year after year, and give your best to something, with no outside validation or recognition, with no financial compensation for your efforts? How many of you could do that, in the hope that it will one day yield something? And I don’t mean riches (though that would be nice, I would love to have money to put to good use.)
Just in the hope that the heart and soul I pour into my writings will reach others and perhaps cherished by a few. To get that ‘letter’ (or rather email) telling how my story entertained or connected with someone out there, and made them feel less like a freak and alone in the world. No ink was more aptly named than Writer’s Blood, or possibly writer’s tears, if that existed.
How many have that determination, dedication, and self-starting motivation to do that? What’s that worth to a prospective employer?
I want to write – but what’s the point in trying? Some authors start publishing when they are older than I am (mid 50s), and then there’s that little voice that sneers “you just don’t know when to give up, do you? Useless p.o.s. If you had any talent it would have been recognised by now and you’re just refusing to acknowledge that… Anyone with any sense at all would move over and stop dreaming.”
When you’re trying to create something new, something that you have not been able to find, there is no blueprint to follow, no one to ask for advice. Feeling your way is hard and takes time, and I wish I had someone to talk to about it.
No, you don’t need to be better, and try harder. You need a break, and perhaps a helping hand. We ALL need a break, and I don’t mean time off (that would be nice, if it came without feeling guilty for not working) but as in Catch a Break. I think it was Mariah Carey who said “everybody was a nobody until somebody gave them a chance”. Maybe she’d been reading Emily Dickinson, who knows. Either way, it’s true.
Hugs, Catpaw
Catpaws Cafe 