Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen

Archive for the month “March, 2013”

Happy, happiness… what’s in a word…

Had my own small epiphany one morning a few weeks back, after feeding Miao-cat and going back to sleep…  About the true relationship between how you really choose to be happy – or not.

What occurred to me was that in my head I’d connected that to be happy meant that’s it; that’s all you get.  Extending thus to that the message transmitted back to the yet unmanifest is I’ve settled for this, this is enough for me.  Which effectively prevented me from being happy a lot of the time because I’m a work in progress!  I want more!  from my self and out of my life. Whereas being happy to me meant oh she’s happy with what she’s got, let’s move on to someone else then… 

That does not mean I’m not grateful; me and gratitude are bosom-buddies and I can generally find things to be grateful for in almost any situation.

It runs all the way back to childhood, when I believed happy people were happy because they got/get what they wanted out of their lives…  Thus they were not hungry for more..  But it does not stop there…  Not only did it mean (to my subconscious)  ”this is all I want out of life”, ”this is all I can imagine”, which again reduced to simpleton, stupid, unambitious, unimaginative and above all common…  Ignorant of me yes, judgmental check, and embarrassing to admit to.  It makes for a very cynical subconscious.

After that personal insight I feel much happier 🙂  and I have a feeling life gives you more when you are happy as well as grateful.

I like the way the spanish makes use of both feliz (happy) and contento (content) in everyday  language and thus differentiates between them.  For that reason studying other languages is very good.  You really get to re-examine your own and cross reference all you know, as words (especially prepositions) do not fit word-for-word but as an overlapping brick wall, at degrees of everything.

sunny brick-wall

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So what’s underneath the onion

The sewing machine is ”playing up”.   So I don’t feel inspired to sew now, but the next fayre is a week away and this stuff needs to be finished before then. I felt inspired when I designed, cut and pinned them, but I ran out of daylight and sewing black in the evening does not work for me.

So what?  I doubt there’s anyone who always feel inspired, just f-ckin deal with it! I rarely feel inspired to clean or cook, go food shopping or do laundry, shower or brush my teeth, yet it has to be done. Deal with it.

So I scream and punch the sewing machine – I don’t need you to have a highfalutin opinion about my lack of enthusiasm right now – just do your f-ckin’job and sew!!!

It’s not just that it is full moon though it probably contributes.   Hubbys family is coming today, and no matter how nice they are as people, for me it is always fraught and highly stressful. It means ridiculously long and late nights, not enough of and poor quality sleep, guilt over needing apparently twice as much sleep as everyone else, and general frustration.  Creative projects and writing gets put away until they leave.

For days the frustrations of feeling required to behave to fit the extroverted social norm, with the fake smiles and pretending everything is just fine. All while at the same time being bored to tears by the same old drama, but too well brought up to pick up a book and zone out the way others play with their smart-phones, play games or fb. Of hours of waiting around for nothing.  Of concentrating like crazy to try to understand and follow the conversation, until my head feels like it’s going to explode.

Sick of the glib jibes pointing out that I have not learnt spanish yet even though I live here. How I should go out and practice with everyone any opportunity, how I should take the opportunities and practice here and now. How I must be sooo lazy because I still can’t speak. Learning a language when immersed in it is sooo EASY…

And noone has any understanding how hard I have tried to learn, how much I have studied and how f-ckin’ impossible it feels by now. How deeply embarrassed and frustrated I am about this.

Nor does it stop there.  I’m not Buddha or Jeshua; if you poke me repeatedly I get hacked off. If one more shower of unsolicited ”helpful” hints as how I should live my life; not scratch at the hundreds of insect bites on my legs and feet, what to buy and use (same sh-t I have tried and then some) and how terrible the scars on my legs look, I WILL loose it and SCREAM. They may not understand the words but I’m sure as hell the meaning will be perfectly clear. You’ve trod on my boundaries one time too many so back off!

Am I mirroring their own suppressed anger and frustration if I let mine show? The fear that this is all there is (so let’s keep on dancing) ?

I’m so damned polite and unwilling to offend, but I’m also so darn tired of the same old dance. I ”behave” as is expected of me, in a grown-up friendly manner. Even if it feels more like a parody at times. How much I despise the same old ”well-meaning” small-talk and would love to be able to have a meaningful conversation.

I want to be my usual quirky inner self and for that to translate and come across as the loving and affable me my friends know and love.

But right now I feel none of those things, or rather I feel anger and frustration as well and those voices are so much louder right now.

I can just imagine the unspoken words. Leave that english bitch and and get a nice mexican girl who will be up to date on soaps and drama, is a good catholic instead of a bad influence and who will cherish his children. Unlike me.

And you know what? He had 40 years looking for one of those and he chose me! For who I am, for how we get eachother, for the spiritual bond and love we share that makes the struggles worth working our way through.

Underneath that lurks my fear that whatever I do will reflect badly on my husband. I don’t want to come between him and his family. He gets frustrated too but is hell bent on ”fixing” it, fixing it here meaning waking everyone up and get where he is coming from. I gave that up long ago. Everyone does their own journey following their own divine timing.

How do you ”interact” with unconscious extroverted people, when you are a conscious, highly sensitive introvert? When there is no common ground and no common language?

My personal answer was to step away and find friends to fill those spaces traditionally held by family. People who like me for who I am, and who’s company I enjoy.

It is like being 16, 17, 18 or 19 etc and going to visit my parents for the weekend. This time it will be different. This time we will get on. This time will be the new beginning of a new relationship between us.

Every time with an open mind and the best of intentions, ready to forgive, forget and let bygones be bygones. Let the crap slide and not raise to the bait. To ignore the put-downs and criticism and focus on… what exactly? What I wanted to have; mutual respect and appreciation. If you treated your friends like you treat me you’d soon find yourself lonely indeed. Yet, it’s me who’s finding her self alone here. What irony.

Heresy & Abomination, a blogpost by John Becker

It’s been a bit quiet on the writing front lately; other ways of creative expressions for the Isla Mujeres Artists Fair had to take presidence for a few weeks, and since my chosen artist for the book cover still have not got back to me, I’ve also been experimenting with paints to see if I can diy it…. probably not!

So I thought I’d share a link to a friends blog. To me, this was HUGE. I read it and for 5 minutes was shaking all over. I knew this, and yet I dismissed it without ever trying it as a variable in the equation of me. I have started to pen the bookend piece to this, but can not quite find the words just yet. It will come, at the right time.

Until then, please enjoy ”Heresy & Abomination” by John Becker.

http://johnbecker.solfeggiosound.com/wp/?p=49

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