Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen

Archive for the month “December, 2012”

Letting the sheep be sheep…

What do you know about what the ones you deem sheep are here to do? Maybe they are here to rest and observe. Maybe they are volunteers so you have something to push against.

Had a dream a little while ago that left me pondering something in a new light. What if all the people we see as sheep are third, secondary etc versions of us unactivated, as our focus is in this body right now? Well, of course they are, in the sense that we are all one, right. Who’s to say I’m even the primary me? I really have questioned that before. I’m not so sure about that but from here I’m supposed to believe that I am. What does it even mean? I don’t know where I stand in that theory. But (the dream) won’t go away so for what it’s worth I’m writing it down and throwing it out there, just in case.

The other me from the same mornings dream, her life felt so empty. The one thing she had going for her was a good relationship with her mother in particular and father in general. She had guts. She had ”pull my shit together, get 2 jobs, work for six months and go traveling; maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for even though I don’t know what that is, but it’s the best idea I can come up with’‘ sort of guts.

She never saw Out on a limb, she never found any answers to any questions beyond 3d, she shut off to all that I I live for because for her that was easier, it was her way in life.

But I could tell she was searching for the same answers (energetically) as was I 20+ yrs ago. Even though she had no defined questions, 350 friends on fb, a brown rabbit or two, and never discovered how wonderful companions cats make.

I know the airports she goes through, though I’ve never set foot in either I’ve trawled through them often enough in spirit with her. I seen the place she stayed in London, the dorm she waited in before she returned. I’ve seen snippets of her over the years and I want to reach out and say something… or give her a hug of encouragement and support. But really, what could I have said to her, from this state of mind, this world, this place? She is me, and at the same time a total stranger.

 

The energies of right now feels like wading through treacle, in an ever intensifying mangrove forest. If everything is perspective I’d like a new one. Isolate me from others survival choices and first world problems. That, or I will turn into someone that neither of us will like, perhaps even despise. The part of me that if I let it out, I’ll never live down. That really isn’t who I am, just a current reflection of pain and frustration as I battle an other migraine. So just leave me alone.

What would make it better? If I had a magic wand, what would I do with it? Point it at myself and say what exactly? ”Purge and fill with happiness”?

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to fall apart. But most of all I don’t want to be angry any more.

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