Catpaws Cafe

20 December 2011

Over the last 25 yrs or so I have learnt and used a variety of healing modalities including my own.  This has been my sideline or hobby if you like.  I have traded treatments and accepted the occasional donation but never charged for my services.  Often the results have been astonishing to me.

My starseed astro chart also confirms masterships in healing and I have several other lifetimes as a healer and shaman.

After completing the last two courses I was attracted to add to my toolbelt – MTT (meridian tapping therapy or eft) and Reconnective healing – my intent was to take things further, hoping those two new and very potent modalities would allow me to go out and help more people.

Eager and enthusiastic, I did 15/20 sessions freely for practice and to get the ball rolling.  My first client, a cat about 14 yr old, chose to exit 20 minutes after our (distance) session.  Hmmm, not exactly encouraging but it got better.  An elderly lady fully recovered from a stroke in 48 hours.  A young woman who had been in a car accident and who had more or less been left to die due to laws and regulations, turned a corner that night; the two scull fractures showing clearly on the x-rays had miraculously healed a week later, but she suffered severe headaches and dizzyness for some time after.

I am NOT taking personal credit here, I see myself as a facilitator, an instrument.  I have often likened the process to that of a phone-box; I have the quarter and the number to call… that’s it.  The often called Unseen have the abilities.  They show themselves to me these days in their deep blue robes and I think of them as the healing team, or simply the Masters.

The last course was a yr and half ago now and to date I’ve not had one paying customer.  Not one.   No one has even shown any interest.  Early on I offered my services to a cancer hospice that offers various alternative like reiki, aroma therapy etc to their patients.  Nothing.  These days I only do animals and I have yet to encounter a furry client who fails to say thank you.

So when I think back to the teacher telling us 200 listening intently ”-Start by charging a minimum of $70 per session, whether it’s in person or distance doesn’t matter and then increase the price as you get a waiting list” , I can’t help think waiting list – my a**e.

Nor can I help the rather bitter feelings that have now all but replaced the love to help that once filled me.  I’ve spent an awful lot of money with the sole intention to be able to be of service, but no one wants it.  I don’t get it.  Why is it that some, indeed rather snooty and arrogant individuals, still get so many requests that they have a waiting list?  While I see noone?  I certainly have no God complex nor is my ego involved.

I’ll be the first to admit to feeling disillusioned bythe whole thing and what to me feels like global rejection, but before that I was all love and fired up.  So what went wrong?  Altho I feel uncomfortably vulnerable here I still want to know.  I can’t be the only one to have experienced this, surely.

I know people buy people, more that they’ll ever buy services.  But I for one have encountered healing practitioners with sucky attitude that still make a living out of it.

I’ve never been a people magnet but I have wonderful and loyal friends who love and appreciate me and often say things like ”I feel so much better for just spending some time with you” and ”you’ve helped me so much”.

So where is the blockage?  Where are (or shall I say were) the clients?  I had set my fee to $33 (nice numerological vibe to it), but was also open to barter or donations (client gives to a charity of their choice) for a prospective client in need but without the means.

I did this because I wanted to help and knew I could.  So why wouldn’t anyone let me?

Testing testing – Journal entry 10 December 2011

I’ve just been watching my friend Ninas latest set of stunning photos from Japan on fb. She’s the newly minted circus artist who got a job with Universal Studios. Not her parents favourite choice of a profession (I think dentist was more their idea) but I think they are really proud of their daughter now. Then I spotted Judy’s latest post from wherever she is this week. Judy and I were once house-mates in London.

So what do these lovely ladies have in common apart from being in their own way very stylish and striking looking independent women traveling the world?

They are my aspirants (is there such a word and if there is, did I use it correctly?) in that they have found what they love and are passionate about and are doing just that and very successfully too.  And in this world of dualism we still largely inhabit observing them also stirs up pain, undefinable longing and even a tiny bit of jeallousy.

Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want their lives. I don’t want their mates. I have no desires on their respective careers. I don’t want to be doing what they are doing. What I want is to find what makes me feel like I feel when I watch them shine from the page.

It’s not that I haven’t done things I loved before, every now and then, but I’ve never had that sense of ‘well done me’, of my love of something somehow reflected back to me in worldly appreciation.

”Do what you love and the money will follow”.  Ain’t necessarily so.   Do what you love and you won’t care if the money follows or not. Perhaps.

So I have some blockages to prosperity to find and clear out. That’s still not it.

I came here to do something, a mission in this incarnation if you like, I know that with every cell in my body and I can’t find it. That is what is driving me crazy, more than financial prosperity, professional recognition and physical location and fitness factor put together.

Sure, having more money would be nice. The body to carry off any wardrobe would be fab. To be able to travel again too. But what I’m looking for is not sights to take photos off to show my friends. Where I want to go is not to be found marked as a destination on any map. Kindred spirits and soul family do not usually sit and wait at the foot of ruins and other sights.

I want to feel good, really good, and content once again. With myself, with what I do, with what I’ve accomplished recently and for the joy of it.

There’s no marketplace situated near the cave of this monk, and I don’t mind my cave, honestly I don’t.  But ffs give me a glimmer of what what I’m supposed to do, what I’m here for. Don’t tell me shoot an arrow in any direction and just see in what direction it flies and what’s there. I’ve done that. I’m sick and tired of looking. I’m sick and tired waiting. I’m sick and tired of trying one more thing, just because there’s nothing else I can see and I’m bored with where I’m currently at. Which in theory is shooting in just any direction. Don’t tell me to look within once more. I think I have rummaged through every internal nook and cranny so many times that I’ve had it. Enough!  I’m sick of doors slamming in my face. Don’t tell me to do what’s in my lap coz I’d literally never leave the house, there’s always something to tend to around and it’s not what I’d call fun, emotionally rewarding or even the teensiest step forward, just more of the crap that’s always around no matter where you are.

I’ve had enough of ordinary. I’ve had enough of Potential for Spiritual Growth being a fancy name for Should feel Grateful when pain of being beaten up continuously momentarily stops.

I’ve had it with waking up to a feeling of dread rather than something – anything – more positive and inspiring every frakkin’ morning. Day after day after day of more of the same without anything to look forward to. Just more damage control and no tangible progress. I do what’s in my f-in lap but in spite of u2u’s galore there is nothing in my 3d world reflecting any of the progress I know I have made.

It’s not so much overachieving lightworker don’t want to take a break (Eloheim’s terms and definitions). I’ll be delighted to take a break once I see some improvement in my outside life but like so many others I just keep going because there is nothing discernible still after all these yrs.

All of those of you who have found what they want to do in life, their life purpose, and who are living it. I hope you recognize just how darn fortunate you really are.

Oh to feel passionate about something once more, not just passionately frustrated about the absence of it.