Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen

Archive for the tag “the meaning of life”

Torn Away

I’ve just spent weeks, months even, with all these people; friends, family. We’ve been working, laughing, playing together. Now – they’re all gone. In less than a minute. I don’t even know if I’ll ever see them again in this lifetime. That we will meet again, in another time and place, is not much comfort right now.

It is as if they have fallen off the face of the planet, or been swallowed up by an earthquake. Now it’s just me again. And I have to learn to live with that fast, get on with it.

I feel disoriented, bereft, torn away.

 

When I open my mouth to try to tell my husband what I’m feeling – I burst into tears.

As I cry – the memories of this whole life existence fades. All in one night. All that “really” happened was that I woke up, to the noise of the gas-truck blaring, not any natural disaster.

My body feels heavy with grief, still.

 

Later it made me think of a particular episode of Startrek Next Generation, the one where Captain Picard awakes to find himself living in a small village where he is a well-known member of the community who is suffering from a delusion of being a starship captain. Thus stranded, thirty years lived, all in 20-25 minutes according to Riker.

I feel like this a lot of the time, as if my memories of my “real” life away from this planet are just out of reach most of the time, but very certain that living as a human on this planet, at this time, on this planet, is some kind of interlude. Unlike Picard, who retains his memories clearly from his life on-board the Enterprise, mine are a lot more hazy.

 

Still the feeling of looking for my life in this existence, for meaning. Knowing without the shadow of a doubt that the basics of existence will never satisfy me. That is like only having one book to read after living in a library; never travel – even curtsey of discovery or history channels; just grow your own vegetable garden and never again set foot in an exotic restaurant; never leave your village or town ever again; same people, same conversations, same gossip, day in, day out. That just is not me.

I don’t know how to squeeze myself into such a small life when I know there is so much more out there.

 

A bit like Rose Tyler trying to describe what can not be put into words in this short clip from Dr Who:

 

Startrek; The next generation:  Series 5, Episode 25,  The Inner Light.

Not long after the Enterprise approaches an unknown buoy or satellite, Captain Picard falls unconscious on the bridge. He awakens in a village where he is married but also something of a village eccentric who thinks he is a spaceship captain by the name of Picard. His wife Eline tries to soothe him and his good friend Batai does not judge him. He lives a full life, has children and grows old. The planet he is on is dying however, suffering from a long and seemingly permanent drought. On board the Enterprise, the crew does its best to revive their unconscious captain but to no avail.

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Letting the sheep be sheep…

What do you know about what the ones you deem sheep are here to do? Maybe they are here to rest and observe. Maybe they are volunteers so you have something to push against.

Had a dream a little while ago that left me pondering something in a new light. What if all the people we see as sheep are third, secondary etc versions of us unactivated, as our focus is in this body right now? Well, of course they are, in the sense that we are all one, right. Who’s to say I’m even the primary me? I really have questioned that before. I’m not so sure about that but from here I’m supposed to believe that I am. What does it even mean? I don’t know where I stand in that theory. But (the dream) won’t go away so for what it’s worth I’m writing it down and throwing it out there, just in case.

The other me from the same mornings dream, her life felt so empty. The one thing she had going for her was a good relationship with her mother in particular and father in general. She had guts. She had ”pull my shit together, get 2 jobs, work for six months and go traveling; maybe I’ll find what I’m looking for even though I don’t know what that is, but it’s the best idea I can come up with’‘ sort of guts.

She never saw Out on a limb, she never found any answers to any questions beyond 3d, she shut off to all that I I live for because for her that was easier, it was her way in life.

But I could tell she was searching for the same answers (energetically) as was I 20+ yrs ago. Even though she had no defined questions, 350 friends on fb, a brown rabbit or two, and never discovered how wonderful companions cats make.

I know the airports she goes through, though I’ve never set foot in either I’ve trawled through them often enough in spirit with her. I seen the place she stayed in London, the dorm she waited in before she returned. I’ve seen snippets of her over the years and I want to reach out and say something… or give her a hug of encouragement and support. But really, what could I have said to her, from this state of mind, this world, this place? She is me, and at the same time a total stranger.

 

The energies of right now feels like wading through treacle, in an ever intensifying mangrove forest. If everything is perspective I’d like a new one. Isolate me from others survival choices and first world problems. That, or I will turn into someone that neither of us will like, perhaps even despise. The part of me that if I let it out, I’ll never live down. That really isn’t who I am, just a current reflection of pain and frustration as I battle an other migraine. So just leave me alone.

What would make it better? If I had a magic wand, what would I do with it? Point it at myself and say what exactly? ”Purge and fill with happiness”?

I don’t want to cry. I don’t want to fall apart. But most of all I don’t want to be angry any more.

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