Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen

Archive for the tag “tapping”

Tapping along

I’m not a minimalist, as anyone who knows me in real life will testify to, but neither am I a hoarder. I just have a Capricorn moon, I’m craefty, and on a budget 🙂
I take care not to hoard, but, this is Mexico, and a lot of things are difficult to come by affordably, and a lot of the time you see things once – and never again. If you think you’re going to need it in the foreseeable future and have the funds – get.it.when.you.see.it.
I’ve always avoided fad things, everything is acquired with long term in mind, never the ‘once use and bin’. It’s with the environment in mind more than finances.

I have always had a really really hard time letting things go – unless it’s to someone else who will make use of it. This encompasses everything from worn clothes I still wear (because they still do the job when I’m at home), to small mementos and whatnot, including pens that have run out… Throwing away perfectly serviceable stuff in a world where so many has so little (and I’d happily gift it) – things I paid good money for – just because I have no idea how to find and give it to those who could use it… it’s just… feels so wrong on so many levels.

But, it doesn’t stop there. My stomach used to tie itself in gut-wrenching, painful knots when I needed to “clear out”, waaaay over the top. I realised there had to be more to this, and I was ready to find out. So that’s where I started Tapping (EFT, Emotional Freedom Technique), not knowing where this was going.
Within a minute I was sobbing as feelings started to well up.
It was so twisted and convoluted I’m including it in case it helps someone else understand themselves or someone close to them.

This is where I ask you to Get your tissues ready. If you were looking for a content warning, this is where you click back and go find something else to read. It’s painful but at least there is a healing outcome to this one. Here we go:

Throwing things away to me feels like telling them I don’t love you any more, even when it isn’t true.

There is just limited space and weight allowed in my suitcases, and what gets brought along is always a combo of most likely to be needed, and a couple of sentimental things.

I get that gut wrenching feeling every time, that of telling someone (or in this case something) you’re not important enough, new enough, good enough, for me to make space for you. I feel the rejection viscerally. Why am I not good enough any more? When did you stop loving me? What did I do wrong? From everything.

It is as if what is being rejected is piece of love, offering itself to me, and I tell it to go away.

Breathe! Breathe! I tell myself.

Then, a scene from another lifetime unfolds in my minds eye.

I see an old horse, and I know it is mine. The horse can no longer do the work it used to, and needing the stable to house a new, younger horse, one that isn’t lame and can pull the cart that pays for it’s keep and that of my family, I have to let my old friend go. There is no possibility to keep both.

My old friend, helper, companion. We’ve been through so much together. It breaks my heart I can’t let you live out your days in a green meadow somewhere. I feel like I am rejecting you when it is the circumstances making it impossible, and it is breaking my heart in a way that it never recovered in that lifetime.

The same heartbreak I see reflected back at me in my old horse’s eyes, the hurt, the confusion, the rejection, the betrayal. I was loyal to you, I thought you loved me, I loved you, I did everything my body could for you… I helped you, in all weathers and in all conditions. I was always there for you, and you send me away when I can no longer work for you? When I am no longer young you throw me away? Was that what I was to you? A tool, a machine? Just one more possession? I thought we were a team. I loved you.

I cried, really ugly cried, tapped and felt it all without running away. I howled and wailed in a way I don’t think I have ever allowed myself to do ever before. It felt like me and it didn’t, at the same time, and went on for what felt like hours.

I tapped until the wails became sobs again, and slowly subsided. I was utterly exhausted, but also felt the release as it let go of it’s painful grip on me. My non-corporeal (in spirit) horse in that had been with me throughout, nodded it’s head in approval before nuzzling my pockets in search of an apple or carrot.

We’re good. Centuries have passed, and I now look forward to one day meet with my old friend again, in or out of body.

This is the kind of hurts we’re healing and clearing in this incarnation; things that got stuck, the most difficult situations, the experiences we were unable to heal and resolve within the lifetime we had them.

The emotional imprint (also called blueprint, or overlay) will keep showing up in various forms until we give it the time and attention it needs and deserves. Yes it can hurt like hell, but in the end it allows you to feel a lot lighter. Less restricted. You have re-written your own programming if you like.

It is not so difficult for me to throw things away any more, as long as it is done mindfully and with discernment – don’t want to be contributing too much to landfill etc.

(Also perhaps worth mentioning is that I loved horses at a tween, but never allowed myself to get real close or get too attached to any one.)

Not all Tapping is as dramatic as this. Some is downright miraculous though.
If you want to give it a go I recommend contacting a trained practitioner (if it feels like a big issue) because the emotional support is comforting to have if it gets intense, but you can absolutely do it on your own later, or with a trusted friend. Then teach it to your children.
It’s a great tool to have in your emotional toolkit, and works best on issues where there is a stress component.

Contemplating the word love, it’s usage in eft & personal connotations

I often wondered why the lack of verbal ”I love you” from my parents would bother me so much. In fact I can’t remember ever hearing them say it. There was the occasional I like you tho. And that’s just it, it suddenly dawned on me. ”I like you” is conditional. Be like I want you to be and I’ll approve of (or sometimes even appreciate) you, but only if you conform to my ideals, my likes, my wants.

Unconditional love – or unconditional acceptance – is just that; Unconditional.  No matter what.

All this came about because of mulling over the original set-up statement in EFT (emotional freedom technique or simply Tapping). I came across my notes from a talk I heard by Puja Kanth Alfred, author of the book Geo-Specific EFT, about tailoring to different cultures.  And I agree with how utterly awkward the statement ”I love and approve of myself” can sound to non-american ears and when translated into some other languages.

It is meant to feel supportive, encouraging and nurturing, yet to me it does not. The word love in this context to me feels polarized and contrived and because of that I tense up rather than relax, release and let go. Unconditional acceptance feels more neutral and to me it’s vibration is that of holding up the ceiling, of allowing what is to just be.  Unconditional love on the other hand feels more like an oxymoron. It sets up the slightest expectation of something positive being en route and the inner switch in me then flips over to steel myself in case of disappointment in some way, or getting nothing. It’s setting me up for getting nothing after expecting something (”good”). Of being let down. Go without. The promise of a gift and finding the nicely wrapped box empty. Of disappointment when it all turns to nothing, of being short-changed, a promise turning out to come to nothing. Of being forgotten or overlooked.

Personally I’ve experimented with ”Even tho … blahblahblah…, I accept myself (or I accept this in myself) unconditionally (or completely)”. Acceptance allows me to relax and just be.

Just how complicated can one person make the world around her?

Catpaw 5-6 July 2012

Interested in cross cultural EFT?  Check out Puja Kanth Alfreds website:   http://www.emofreetherapy.com/geo-specific_eft.html

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