Catpaws Cafe

Despair. Migraine.

This post is not particularly spiritual. It is however honest and truthful. Does that make up for it?

Today is day three of a migraine, this week. I’ve noticed I spend as much money on migraine tablets as I do on everything else (if you exclude food, rent and bills). It feels like having a hole in my pocket. It just goes on and on in a never ending story I am so done with you have no idea. I don’t know why, and I don’t know what I’m supposed to learn from this. It makes me want to kill myself. There. I said it. Truth.

Headaches and migraines have been the bane of my life, so I thought that I’d once more try and put down on paper, migraine from the inside, just in case someone still is under the illusion that it’s ”just a headache, take a couple of asprin and stop fussing and get on with it”.

I hate and dread the feeling when a migraine starts, be that when you’re doing something you enjoy or when it hits you like a sledge hammer when you open your eyes. (The mental picture I sometimes get is that of myself being dragged off by one leg, with the other limbs flailing, kicking and screaming…)  I rub my neck and shoulders, lymphs-nodes and face in a desperate but ultimately pointless attempt to alleviate, delay the inevitable, the point of no return. Here comes the steamroller again…

I detest the confusion, the unnamed dread, the pounding pain and the waves of nausea. Sometimes being unable to speak. The feeling of being sucked under, the walls closing in on me and the only thing I can do is just… wait. Try not to cry. Out of anger, despair, the perceived unfairness of it all and yes, the feeling like a victim. The trying not to even move an eyeball behind my closed eyelids as it will aggravate the pain.

I lay down, not because it makes me feel any better, but because it is all I can do in between retching sessions. I must not cry in my despair coz it makes it worse, the pain creating tunnel-vision (in the event I have to open my eyes to not miss the bucket) in the gloom. My eyemask is getting damp with perspiration.

Again try not to cry when feeling so utterly helpless.  There is nothing I can do that I haven’t already tried .

I’ve tried going with it, talking to it, reasoning and bargaining, embracing it, accepting it, relaxing into it, to not fight it, not judge it, looking at it as neutrally as I can. Still they keep on coming.

I do everything I can to stall the occurrence of migraines and headaches, including wear glasses, wear sunglasses, try not to squint, watch how I sit, that I don’t sit for long in the same position, watch how I sleep, use good supportive pillows, constantly on tense-alert, avoid msg and foods containing nitrates, avoid cinnamon and chocolate, avoit eating in places that serve Mole in case of cross contamination, even the smell of chocolate can set it off. Also strong smells like petrol and chemical cleaners are best avoided, as well as loud noise especially involving a heavy baseline.

I make sure I check (and if necessary close) the Ileocecal valve every night, go over acupressure points associated with migraine relief whenever I remember (usually in the bathroom) in a prophylactic way. I detox regularly. I cook almost everything we eat from scratch.

I try to keep my blood-sugars level, eat enough protein and keep carbs complex. My blood-pressure is low as is my cholesterol. I do my best to get enough sleep. I have good pillows. I drink copious amounts of water to keep hydrated as I know dehydration is the express lane. I avoid being too much in the sun and exerting myself in the heat. I stretch and breathe. It is my second reason for not drinking alcohol. Why risk giving your self an extra day of it if it can be avoided?

Growing up I had braces on my teeth for nearly 5 yrs coz everyone agreed that would sort out the problem. It didn’t. I’ve had hundreds of chiropractic adjustments and naprapath treatments, and as many acupuncture sessions by 10 different practitioners in different countries. I’ve taken Chinese herbs, tons of supplements, been on any diet that even hinted of the possibility of relief, balancing and eliminating, and of course spent thousands on pharmaceuticals. I have no fillings in my teeth.

It’s one of the reasons for learning near 20 healing modalities, and sampling many many more from others including series of homeopathy, osteopathy, naturopathy, cupping, flower and other remedies, aromatherapy, Zero balancing, Cranio-sacral therapy, and other’s I’ve forgotten the names of.

For a couple of days ensueing each episode, my forehead feels sore to the touch, from rubbing or at times banging my head against something in sheer despair, sobbing I can’t fuckin’ stand this any longer, which inevitably makes me retch because the crying makes it worse, intensifying it to just below fainting. I actually did faint a couple of times during the last episode last week, momentary relief, all too brief.

The only good thing is I’m slowly overcoming my phobia of vomitting.

I’m becoming scared to be by myself these days, because the migraines makes me want to kill myself. There soul: take That. I’m the body and I’m in charge and you better keep that in mind if you want this experience of ensouling the body and sort this shit out. That or I might just exercise that ”right” and end this ”game” at any point – do you hear me? Are you listening? Got that? NO MORE! EVER!

I’m not scared of dying. I’m scarred of this continuing.

So you’ve made it this far reading, congratulations (read: thank you). Also, if you have any triptans hanging around that you’re not using, feel free to donate them to me (rizatriptan, sumatriptan, zolmitriptan). And take a minute to be deeply grateful if you do not experience migraines.