Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen

Archive for the tag “invisible”

Catharsis

I haven’t posted anything on this blog in what feels like forever. Occasionally I have ideas; after all I’m a writer and that’s what I do. Or I do write something, but by the time I get around to typing it up, I have sort of moved on….?

I have however written quite a lot. I intend to look through it and see if anything still feels relevant enough to share. This is from today, sparked by a video-clip someone shared.

Catharsis

I should be happy
and all the other shoulds in life
is what’s actually ruining lives
The constant pressure to ‘be happy’
or at least put on a happy face
to be acceptable.
We could learn from our ancestors
their stern faces in early photographs
there is nothing wrong with not putting a happy sticker on.

It comes with immense pressure
and invisible fingers pointing out
not happy.
Not being happy
suggests
no implies
you’ve failed
as a person
and at life.
Denying what we feel is perpetuating it
allowing to feel can be the first step towards
feeling better.
When it comes to depression
‘fake it till you make it’
really is the worst piece of ‘advice’ and
one of the cliches I hate indiscriminately
with a passion that’s completely disproportionate tells me
it’s the worst thing I could do to a best friend
-and thereby also to myself.
We were given a range of emotions
all as valid as the others.
The stigma surrounding depression and other related states of being
prevents us from being able to be open about it
perpetuates it
prevents us from seeking and receiving help.
Nobody wants
that label,
and yet it is part of who we are
every last one of us.
Sometimes it takes chemicals to redress the balance
Other times all it takes is to be heard
really listened to.
Think about that all you habitual chatters
who can’t get enough of hearing your own babbling voices.
When was the last time you said
no really, how are you? and meant it.
Allowed the other person to reply with something aside from
Fine thanks.
But don’t push.
They may not want to.
They may not want to be seen as
a undesirable state however temporary.
They may not want you to know
or want any unsolicited advice,
or allow them selves to be that vulnerable
fearing comebacks
in a world so inclined to judge
anyone who isn’t happy
a write-off
a failure.
May be judging themselves
just like I judge me.
I should be happy
I should be grateful
I have no reason to -fill in the blank
Hot on the heels of should is guilt
I’m not grateful enough
I’m a bad ungrateful person
I’m not enough.
I haven’t tried hard enough
because if I had
I’d have got this
done that
been
happy
successful
and I’m not so I clearly have not
must try harder.
And like a punctured balloon
or every spoon
drains out of my being
faster than physics would say is possible
but it is
because it’s letting me know
I’m on the wrong track.
Not that I know what do do with it
in that moment
or the next one
or the next day
the next week
month…
The feeling of letting myself down
judging myself by the lack of outward signs of success
is my hamster wheel.
I know what I want and
I haven’t got a f-kin clue how to get there from here.
I refuse to accept maybe I never will
refuse to lower my standards for myself
setting myself up for more failure
Not allowing myself to recharge and regroup
sufficiently fortified with rest and care
because I’m not worth that
because I have not tried hard enough…
No rest for the one who has nothing to show for it
who has not accomplished enough
for their own liking.
I know what I want damn it
or not.
And I plain refuse to kill myself trying to prove just one thing.

To give up my entire existence for one goal
when I want realize so many more.
Even I recognize the madness in that.
Still I refuse to give up trying
because then I’d be lazy too
another unforgivable trait in my programming.

Sorry for taking your time
I have to go now
and pursue that holy grail once more
the one of joy and happiness.
It’s what I say
when I don’t want you to see how much I am really hurting
being a failure in my own eyes
longing
for what I thought was a given
craving
what I clearly can’t have.
Not in this life, buddy.
Get over it.
Take one for the team, loser.
Who the hell would want you as a friend?
Freak.

But I really am sorry for wasting your time.
I love you.
Remember that.
If you remember nothing else

remember that.

And never tell anyone to ‘smile!”
or ‘fake it till you make it’.
Or I will make it a point to haunt you when I’m gone.
You will not like it.

Validation

INSPIRE ME!

Be real.  Don’t hide behind platitudes and woo-woo talk.

See me, for once in my life SEE ME!

I’m feeling a little bit lost this weekend in this labour of love of mine and I’m wondering if it ever will be completed or if I am forever doomed to be as substantial as a ghost and as attractive.

Everybody needs help sometime.  Everybody needs support.
My soul chose to do this round invisible.  Without positive feedback.  Imagine that.  I’ve taken one for the team and I’m damn good at it by now.  This body is turning 46 next week and it’s time for something NEW.  It’s time to be acknowledged.  It’s time to be seen.  To turn the invisible VISIBLE and claim the space in life that can only be filled by me and has until now looked vacant.

I don’t know what that looks like.  I don’t know what it feels like.  I don’t even know what I want any more.  But it’s got to be out there because I have not claimed it yet.
This labour is in it’s 70th hour and by now I’m feeling spent, lost, exhausted, and just get it out of me!
I’m wondering if it is the primal scream before fainting, and if so what will I wake up to?

If you have roots, be grateful.  If you have a dream, vocation, passion, be even more grateful.
If you have joy, friends, a roof over your head, a sense of belonging and fulfillment in your life – all the things that makes life and the human experience great and worth all the other times – CELEBRATE!

I’m in labour and I have yet to meet my creation.  I’m feeling the vibrational erection flagging and I wonder for how much longer I can hold it together, how much longer it is going to take.  And then what.

So excuse me if I need some support.  If I need for someone to see me, acknowledge my existence.  I’ve taken this and run with it as far as I could but the gig is up.  It’s time for a change.  Different horizons.  Different work.  New friends.  I need someone to show some faith in me, the faith I’m lacking in my own creator-abilities right now.  That I’m not just a waste of space, waste of years of experience and wisdom which it would be if I never get to share any of it with other beings.

Don’t you want to be useful?  Don’t you want to be part of?  Don’t you want to help?  Don’t you want to be appreciated?  I do.  I want this next part of my life to be Inspiring.  Enjoyable.  Fulfilling.  And to be allowed to share my gifts with the world, rather than feel abused or used when what others want is what I don’t want to give.  Don’t have to give.  Have no interest in doing.  Let me contribute what I’m good at for a change and just watch it bloom!

Our lives are in flux.  We don’t know where we are going but we know we can’t stay for much longer in this familiar suffering.  I call it familiar suffering even tho I don’t like the expression.  It means living by fear.  Living day by day on the hope that One Day it will ”get better”.  If we just hang in there it will improve, and bestow some small blessing that will make it all better.  A break.  When the truth is, our job here is done.  It’s time to move on.  Even if we don’t know where or how.
A kingdom for a ”normal” straight forward life.  To know where you want to live, to feel rooted and have the supportive network of friends.  A garden.  Know what you do for a living and loving life.  To not once more leap off into the unknown, with all the fears of where to land, how long until we make new friends, where will we live, what about visas and work?  It is said every journey begins with the first step.  There is so much we need before then.  Stuff that more often than not cost money.

It’s so much right now I feel like bailing out.  I don’t want what I’ve got until now.  I want more.  I want different.  No more cr@p.   So please, may I ask for your support, they way I have supported countless others over the years and will no doubt continue to do so until the day my dust is spread for the wind to scatter.  Just intend for clarity and a more fulfilling way of life from now on.  Acknowledge me.  And anyone else close to you who is struggling to at the moment.  Thank you.

Love, Catpaw.

Post Navigation