Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen

Archive for the tag “grief”

Torn Away

I’ve just spent weeks, months even, with all these people; friends, family. We’ve been working, laughing, playing together. Now – they’re all gone. In less than a minute. I don’t even know if I’ll ever see them again in this lifetime. That we will meet again, in another time and place, is not much comfort right now.

It is as if they have fallen off the face of the planet, or been swallowed up by an earthquake. Now it’s just me again. And I have to learn to live with that fast, get on with it.

I feel disoriented, bereft, torn away.

 

When I open my mouth to try to tell my husband what I’m feeling – I burst into tears.

As I cry – the memories of this whole life existence fades. All in one night. All that “really” happened was that I woke up, to the noise of the gas-truck blaring, not any natural disaster.

My body feels heavy with grief, still.

 

Later it made me think of a particular episode of Startrek Next Generation, the one where Captain Picard awakes to find himself living in a small village where he is a well-known member of the community who is suffering from a delusion of being a starship captain. Thus stranded, thirty years lived, all in 20-25 minutes according to Riker.

I feel like this a lot of the time, as if my memories of my “real” life away from this planet are just out of reach most of the time, but very certain that living as a human on this planet, at this time, on this planet, is some kind of interlude. Unlike Picard, who retains his memories clearly from his life on-board the Enterprise, mine are a lot more hazy.

 

Still the feeling of looking for my life in this existence, for meaning. Knowing without the shadow of a doubt that the basics of existence will never satisfy me. That is like only having one book to read after living in a library; never travel – even curtsey of discovery or history channels; just grow your own vegetable garden and never again set foot in an exotic restaurant; never leave your village or town ever again; same people, same conversations, same gossip, day in, day out. That just is not me.

I don’t know how to squeeze myself into such a small life when I know there is so much more out there.

 

A bit like Rose Tyler trying to describe what can not be put into words in this short clip from Dr Who:

 

Startrek; The next generation:  Series 5, Episode 25,  The Inner Light.

Not long after the Enterprise approaches an unknown buoy or satellite, Captain Picard falls unconscious on the bridge. He awakens in a village where he is married but also something of a village eccentric who thinks he is a spaceship captain by the name of Picard. His wife Eline tries to soothe him and his good friend Batai does not judge him. He lives a full life, has children and grows old. The planet he is on is dying however, suffering from a long and seemingly permanent drought. On board the Enterprise, the crew does its best to revive their unconscious captain but to no avail.

Advertisements

Pawprints on my heart

PawprintsIt’s all souls day, 2 November.  I have two oil-lamps burning on the windowsill instead of an altar, as near everything is packed. This morning we went to get a small pot of paint, and in the paint-shop lives an old cat who looks so much like Miaowser it made me cry behind my sunglasses. She never got to grow old with me.  I know that was her choice but it does not stop me from missing her and wishing she was still with us.  And that sort of set the tone for the day.

We went to clean the new place, there’s a couple of other cats living out the back, I hope they’ll be friends for Milou, and the new place safer for him.

I cry, I pack, cry some more, pack some more. This is the place where Miaowser found us and where we fell in love with her. And as much as I want to move, here’s so full of memories of her, but also our other cats, and of course our love for eachother. I know we’ll be taking our memories with us wherever we go, but it’s still emotional. Even when you are being evicted.

There’s a lot I won’t be missing, including the pack of dogs next door barking frantically, reminding me of the most horrific night of my life.

Time to pack away the last of the washing up, save for coffee-stuff, then I’m done and all set for tomorrow. Time to put the kettle on.
2013-05-10_16-45-03_783
http://fineartamerica.com/featured/miaowser-liz-rosales.html

Life after Miaowser

Been drinking a lot of tea recently, the English soother of all ails.  Only it does not seem to do much.  I’m not coping very well with losing my best friend.  It could be the horrific circumstances that like a tape-loop keeps rerunning endlessly whenever I’m not actively engaged in other things.

It is not at the times when we feel the most lonely we miss someone the most and that we cry; it’s when we feel them near, their presence, their love.  I learnt that last year.

One of the times when I sat outside with said mug, diluting it’s contents with my tears, looking at the flowerbed where Miaowser used to hide and play, and where she now rests beneath the same blooms, I had the idea of writing an ebook.  I felt her spirit nearby and the title “Love is all that matters” appeared in my mind.  So that’s what I’ll try to do.  I’ll make it free to download for anyone who has ever loved and felt lost and left behind by their loved ones departure.  I’ll add a donate button at the end, then people can make a donation to Miaowsers Fund if they feel so inclined.
The book won’t be ready in a hurry.  I’m far too churned up and raw a mess for that.  Word by word, page by page.  Maybe that will exorcise the terrors of her last hour with us.

So I asked her, – what would you like to help fund, Kitkit?  Veterinary care for those who can’t afford it?  Food for feeding strays?  Homes for all cats?
– I’d like a fund to look after you.  Came the quiet answer.
Oh. my.  That was so unexpected I knew it was true.  Oh Miaowser, I cried.  I miss you so much.  A fresh wave of tears flooded my eyes and I was enveloped in the love behind that statement.
– Of course I am here!  Do you remember back in 1998 after Solveig died; hearing her say “I can help you more from where I am now than I ever could incarnate”, or words to that effect?  It’s a bit like that.  I have to go now, but at the same time I am always with you.
– I know Kitkit, I know.

After Miao departed I’ve had bloodcurdling nightmares when I can sleep at all.
I don’t want to be sad forever.  I don’t want to be depressed.  I don’t want the nightmares to continue indefinitely.  These are not judgements, they are preferences.
I know out of our love a different connection that defies time and space will be forged, and in a different way we will meet again in the dreamtime.  But I’m not there yet.  The grief is still raw as can be and often overwhelming.

Understanding might be overrated but personally I have found that I can accept almost anything If I understand why.  I would like to see someone Miao loved, to help me understand and move forward once more.  When she heard her voice she’d almost dance around the kitchen looking so radiant and excited.

Thus I’ve tentatively taken the steps to set it up.  If you go to “Other ways to connect” you’ll see newly added “Miaowsers Fund” and a donate button that will take you to paypal if you click on it.

There IS life after Miaowser.  I just have to find my way there.

Milou and the flowers

Milou and the flowers

War & Grief

1175403_213134118846951_737978468_n
That fateful night, as I held the cooling body of my best friend, my heart breaking and tears streaming, the primitive part of me wanted to run out and pulp the dogs with any blunt object I could find.

Then I hear her beautifull voice saying quietly “No.  That is war on a microcosmic level.  To have peace you have to be peace.”  This statement was followed by a wave of love, and of course more tears as I knew the truth of her words.

I still fight the urge now and then, when the dogs break into one of their barking frenzies and I feel donkey-kicked in the gut, the memory still raw and vivid.
War is not the answer.  It will not solve anything.  It will not take away the pain.  It will not bring her back.  Every day I’m trying my best to honor her memory and the love we shared by being peace.

So I allow the tears to flow.  I allow myself to grieve like I have never allowed myself before.  Without time restraints, and silencing the voices in my head telling me to pull myself together;  that I should be done with it by now, and not caring what anyone else thinks.  I am aware that I am grieving also for the future moments we didn’t get to have, and the memories we never will have a chance to make.

But this I know; if we, humanity, could say no with as much integrity as Miaowser showed me, the world would become a very different place.  Because there is no aggression in her boundary, an inarguable no.  Centered, in focus, the unassailable truth.
There will be no war.
There can’t be, if we don’t want to fight.  It can not come from screaming NOOOOOO! fuelled by anger or rage.  It has to come from a No.  Period.
Sure, there will be a few young people who do go, but they will do so for their own reasons, spanning from fear, via rage to tales of glory.  And they will find their own way to lay down those weapons and say enough of this.

War was the old paradigm.  Let it go.  Let it be.  It is not the way forward.
The glorification of violence have got to stop.
Be peace.
purr Miao

Post Navigation