Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen

Archive for the tag “feeling empty”

the then what?

The then what?

Trying to solve a problem from the outside in
is not possible
There’s that vacuum feeling of
I want something
something new.
a new haircut
something to wear
but what you really want is to dull that vacuum feeling…

So ”women” go shopping,
”men” more often head for a pub.
I want to fill that void
but I don’t know what I need
that’s when you get the then what.

So, I got a new haircut – now what?
Still feel the same undefined restlessness
but with a new haircut.
You feel better for a little while and then…
Nothing’s changed.
It’s the If I only had such and such syndrome;
new shoes/ jeans/ stuff for the house/ chocolate/ bottle of wine
books, cd’s, games sometimes last a little longer
but it always comes back.

I keep searching for that which will make it all better
I will try it on for size energetically
and if it does not do it for me
I will no longer accept bandaids.
And until now it has always fallen short.
I don’t want to pay for a quick fix any more
I want to truly identify what’s going on here
so I can make a lasting fundamental change.
Not a shiny thing to distract me with it’s newness and sparkle
for the next what, day? Hour? Week?
And then where am I?
back where I left off last time
but with less money in my pocket
and more to carry when we move.

Breathe.  Just breathe.
Then breathe some more.
And some more.
Deep, delicious breaths.
Cutting yourself off from source is such a bitch.
Plug back in.
Now, isn’t that better?

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