At long last THE PAPERBACK OF THE SPIRIT OF FLYING IS HERE!!! And what a long strange at times completely exhausting trip it’s been!
My labour of love – I hope you enjoy reading it.
The dusk and dawn
When the worlds overlap so slightly
is when the pain of separation
is at it’s most intense.
I never looked at it that way
I only knew it hurt
but I couldn’t work out why
I’d been just fine five minutes before
just like for me in 3d
I often don’t realize how much I miss something
by having it once more
a blessing in itself, in disguise
So at dusk the pain of separation from
my soul family is so palpable
because of those on the other side
are cloaked but near.
It hurts so bad I never made the connection
I never thought that’s what it was
when I compare the two
missing someone who has passed over
or longing for someone who is away
I can see they are one and the same for me.
So here I am subconsciously thinking I’m travelling and
moving the world over
in search of my souls cherished companions
where I need first to explore
and know intimately
the Pain of Separation.
And I know how to be a stranger
just as I know how to pack up and move.
Years of temping taught me how to pick up and fit in
without ever being noticed.
To the next place, and the next…
Many times I wanted to stay
mostly for the camaraderie I witnessed
but it was not to be
and anyway, I was always too soul restless for that.
I’d spend a year with the same group and
the itchy feet would start
Like watching from the sidelines
the echoes of voices
the same lines
When I got a close fit
they’d disappear out of my life
often without a trace
no explanation, no closure
and the confusion and question-marks would hurt so much
other times time would trickle away
and they’d be irrevocably gone.
Too late to grieve like for a lover lost
but I guess I grieved on the inside instead
the tears I never shed
the dull pain never identified as such
the missing unvalidated.
Never enough to hold me in one place
when I needed to move on
in search of
and exploring it’s counterpart
when it starts to get comfortable
like ants all over
I’m subconsciously urged to move on
by boredom at work
of fear of stagnation.
To stay in a stale job one needs very special colleagues
or a fulfilling life outside of work.
A fulfilling job can equally accommodate
an empty personal life.
Mine was rich on the inside
whilst empty on the outside…
I wanted the inspiring career from day one
to make up for the empty feeling inside and
later to cover up for my lack of success in attracting all I thought I ought to have
I don’t know if it would have made me happy or not
since I never got the experience.
Then I came here
I reckoned I’d moved for every other reason bar love
so I thought why not try that.
Actually, that was an afterthought
It wasn’t so much of a choice
as it was a a road with no turnoffs…
No matter how much it pained me to leave
my friends, the job I loved, the car of my dreams
I knew with every fiber of my being
I was doing the right thing.
And so the next phase of my life began.
For a while all the bits of my crazy life made perfect sense.
It certainly stepped up the feelings of alienation in a way I had not foreseen. I had expected because I was on the right track at last to quickly make new friends. It didn’t happen that way. Spanish turned out to be just as impossible to get the hang of as it was at college, and I found myself surrounded by women of all ages with babies on the brain and not much else; tourists in search of sun and an escape from their everyday life, problems and worries; and men fuelled largely by beer and tacos.
As the friends I had made left one by one and work dried up, the layers of the onion deepened.
My friend Jacquie once said when I was new to Park Gate and feeling low about it, that it takes about a year to make real friends in a new place, and I’ve found that to be my truth too. It’s been almost six years now and here I am, mainly alone, acquaintances aside.
Every other year I encounter someone I feel is close friend material for sure
only to never hear from them again.
I don’t know how much deeper into this onion I have to go
or what I’m supposed to do.
What I know is I’m not aligned with much on this island anymore.
I’m not interested in drinking, smoking, bullshitting and bar-hopping. I’ll never have any interest in babies, kids or the soaps on tv.
The sand and the palmtrees on the beaches does not make up for the absence of other things nature wise. I need personal space and will never be comfortable living the way many Mexicans do, on top of eachother and in and out of eachothers pockets and space all the time. 14000 residents plus tourists on 3 square miles of buildable land is too densely populated for me, with more people arriving every week, and soon every foot of land will be covered by concrete in one form or another. I’d like to live somewhere where alcohol is not the main fuel of the economy.
But I only have to look at my husband of almost 5 years now to know I got the man right! I wouldn’t change him for the world.
So now I know
what that dusk and dawn feeling I’ve always dreaded is.
I feel at peace and easeful, for a little while.
I give the kitties a good brushing because they love it and
passers by smile at me and I find myself smiling back,
right here, right now.
So where do I take it from here
or where does this take me more like?
I don’t know.
Do I care? In the now, no.
If I let myself go to the future, yes definitely.
How much should we allow ourselves to dwell on the future?
I don’t have an answer for that right now.
I don’t want to go there.
Because I am here
and I like to stay in the moment for now.
10 April 2013
(c) Catpaws Cafe, Liz Rosales.
The sewing machine is ”playing up”. So I don’t feel inspired to sew now, but the next fayre is a week away and this stuff needs to be finished before then. I felt inspired when I designed, cut and pinned them, but I ran out of daylight and sewing black in the evening does not work for me.
So what? I doubt there’s anyone who always feel inspired, just f-ckin deal with it! I rarely feel inspired to clean or cook, go food shopping or do laundry, shower or brush my teeth, yet it has to be done. Deal with it.
So I scream and punch the sewing machine – I don’t need you to have a highfalutin opinion about my lack of enthusiasm right now – just do your f-ckin’job and sew!!!
It’s not just that it is full moon though it probably contributes. Hubbys family is coming today, and no matter how nice they are as people, for me it is always fraught and highly stressful. It means ridiculously long and late nights, not enough of and poor quality sleep, guilt over needing apparently twice as much sleep as everyone else, and general frustration. Creative projects and writing gets put away until they leave.
For days the frustrations of feeling required to behave to fit the extroverted social norm, with the fake smiles and pretending everything is just fine. All while at the same time being bored to tears by the same old drama, but too well brought up to pick up a book and zone out the way others play with their smart-phones, play games or fb. Of hours of waiting around for nothing. Of concentrating like crazy to try to understand and follow the conversation, until my head feels like it’s going to explode.
Sick of the glib jibes pointing out that I have not learnt spanish yet even though I live here. How I should go out and practice with everyone any opportunity, how I should take the opportunities and practice here and now. How I must be sooo lazy because I still can’t speak. Learning a language when immersed in it is sooo EASY…
And noone has any understanding how hard I have tried to learn, how much I have studied and how f-ckin’ impossible it feels by now. How deeply embarrassed and frustrated I am about this.
Nor does it stop there. I’m not Buddha or Jeshua; if you poke me repeatedly I get hacked off. If one more shower of unsolicited ”helpful” hints as how I should live my life; not scratch at the hundreds of insect bites on my legs and feet, what to buy and use (same sh-t I have tried and then some) and how terrible the scars on my legs look, I WILL loose it and SCREAM. They may not understand the words but I’m sure as hell the meaning will be perfectly clear. You’ve trod on my boundaries one time too many so back off!
Am I mirroring their own suppressed anger and frustration if I let mine show? The fear that this is all there is (so let’s keep on dancing) ?
I’m so damned polite and unwilling to offend, but I’m also so darn tired of the same old dance. I ”behave” as is expected of me, in a grown-up friendly manner. Even if it feels more like a parody at times. How much I despise the same old ”well-meaning” small-talk and would love to be able to have a meaningful conversation.
I want to be my usual quirky inner self and for that to translate and come across as the loving and affable me my friends know and love.
But right now I feel none of those things, or rather I feel anger and frustration as well and those voices are so much louder right now.
I can just imagine the unspoken words. Leave that english bitch and and get a nice mexican girl who will be up to date on soaps and drama, is a good catholic instead of a bad influence and who will cherish his children. Unlike me.
And you know what? He had 40 years looking for one of those and he chose me! For who I am, for how we get eachother, for the spiritual bond and love we share that makes the struggles worth working our way through.
Underneath that lurks my fear that whatever I do will reflect badly on my husband. I don’t want to come between him and his family. He gets frustrated too but is hell bent on ”fixing” it, fixing it here meaning waking everyone up and get where he is coming from. I gave that up long ago. Everyone does their own journey following their own divine timing.
How do you ”interact” with unconscious extroverted people, when you are a conscious, highly sensitive introvert? When there is no common ground and no common language?
My personal answer was to step away and find friends to fill those spaces traditionally held by family. People who like me for who I am, and who’s company I enjoy.
It is like being 16, 17, 18 or 19 etc and going to visit my parents for the weekend. This time it will be different. This time we will get on. This time will be the new beginning of a new relationship between us.
Every time with an open mind and the best of intentions, ready to forgive, forget and let bygones be bygones. Let the crap slide and not raise to the bait. To ignore the put-downs and criticism and focus on… what exactly? What I wanted to have; mutual respect and appreciation. If you treated your friends like you treat me you’d soon find yourself lonely indeed. Yet, it’s me who’s finding her self alone here. What irony.
I often wondered why the lack of verbal ”I love you” from my parents would bother me so much. In fact I can’t remember ever hearing them say it. There was the occasional I like you tho. And that’s just it, it suddenly dawned on me. ”I like you” is conditional. Be like I want you to be and I’ll approve of (or sometimes even appreciate) you, but only if you conform to my ideals, my likes, my wants.
Unconditional love – or unconditional acceptance – is just that; Unconditional. No matter what.
All this came about because of mulling over the original set-up statement in EFT (emotional freedom technique or simply Tapping). I came across my notes from a talk I heard by Puja Kanth Alfred, author of the book Geo-Specific EFT, about tailoring to different cultures. And I agree with how utterly awkward the statement ”I love and approve of myself” can sound to non-american ears and when translated into some other languages.
It is meant to feel supportive, encouraging and nurturing, yet to me it does not. The word love in this context to me feels polarized and contrived and because of that I tense up rather than relax, release and let go. Unconditional acceptance feels more neutral and to me it’s vibration is that of holding up the ceiling, of allowing what is to just be. Unconditional love on the other hand feels more like an oxymoron. It sets up the slightest expectation of something positive being en route and the inner switch in me then flips over to steel myself in case of disappointment in some way, or getting nothing. It’s setting me up for getting nothing after expecting something (”good”). Of being let down. Go without. The promise of a gift and finding the nicely wrapped box empty. Of disappointment when it all turns to nothing, of being short-changed, a promise turning out to come to nothing. Of being forgotten or overlooked.
Personally I’ve experimented with ”Even tho … blahblahblah…, I accept myself (or I accept this in myself) unconditionally (or completely)”. Acceptance allows me to relax and just be.
Just how complicated can one person make the world around her?
Catpaw 5-6 July 2012
Interested in cross cultural EFT? Check out Puja Kanth Alfreds website: http://www.emofreetherapy.com/geo-specific_eft.html