Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen

Archive for the tag “changes”

Wanted: new life

It’s not yet 9 am and I’ve already cried. It never ends with a bang, always with a whimper. The kind where you ask yourself repeatedly if you got this right, is overreacting, or making it up? “face facts” as some might call it. Is it over, or is this another hurdle to push through? Unless it is one more serving of cultural differences, this is the end, because from where I’m looking, I’m the only one trying. He’s coasting along.

It’s deceptive, we get on so well. That’s not enough, I suppose. if there’s sex without love, then love without sex is possible too. but that’s not enough for some. everything is negligible if there is sex, it seems. sex outweighs everything else.

For 12 years I’ve been here, supporting, loving, caring, waiting for his kids to grow up so we could go off and do things. I’ve supported financially when not even their mother does.
After February’s bombshell I was still prepared to forgive if not forget. Try and find a way forward, a compromise of some sort. but there has been no efforts made apart from mine, no attempts to regain or rebuild my shattered trust. Again I wonder if it is cultural. I know his brothers have done the same, but in those cases there is mutual offspring providing motivational glue.

Then c19 hit and focus shifted to just stay alive and get through this first. One thing became clear though; we have very little to say to each other any more.
The first five years we talked and talked, longed for more time together. Now we finally got it, like in so many other situations, it was too late. He refused to talk unless drunk – I don’t see the point then because, a) he doesn’t make sense, and b) don’t remember later.
attempting to start even a civil conversation over dinner is like trying to squeeze blood from a stone. Cagey, monosyllabic replies, often ending in frustrated, not exactly arguments but something smaller, similar.

What hurts the most – beside the lies – is there is no “we” anymore. No little unit of us in the world.
Hoops I braved and dealt with, for as long as there was us, it was worth it. Now I have to remind myself to, if something comes along, to choose what’s best for *me*, because there is no more us.
I feel cheated, sure there’s been growing and experiences I wouldn’t want to trade, but I was so certain this was forever, not until.

I remember, watching the outcome of brexit and being upset and crying, and he said, “what does it matter? you’re not going back there”. and in the middle of everything sad and gloomy, it felt reassuring. Now, it still means I have nowhere to go.

Last night I was trying to form some kind of fictional hope in my mind before sleep; if I could have anything, wake up tomorrow to a new life, what would it look like? and I couldn’t.

Mexico you have drained health and life out of me, bled me of my savings and will to live. When will I receive something else, something new, something I actually want, a way forward and help out of here?

If anyone who made it this far know of *online work*, real leads, like your company is hiring, please drop me a line. I don’t have the energy to chase and jump through a bunch of hoops right now. I’ll consider most things, except sex and violence and coldcalling/selling. Thank you.

Meditating in Colour

It is summer in Mexico.  That means it’s ridiculously hot and humid most of the time.  I haven’t posted anything for a while and the reason for this is many-fold:-

My husband have started working days instead of nights, and although this was something we both have wanted to change for a long time, it still created a lot of upheaval.
My computer had a breakdown and took 6 weeks to get fixed.  But mainly, I prioritized finishing the book I’ve been writing for the last two years!  I received the cover for the book a few days ago and I’m thrilled with how it’s looking and I can’t wait to share it with you all!  The manuscript is now with the editors so I’ve had time for a break and time to paint.

Close-up of Exotic Blooms.

Close-up of Exotic Blooms.

For me painting is a lot like meditating; I get an idea and just let the inspiration and mood flow with it.
The only colour that is readily available where we live is grouche (and acrylics, which does not work so well for what I do), so that is what I use the most.  I save my water-colours as a special treat ;)
Cartulina is like a cross between cardboard and plasterboard, and is also available locally rather than involving an energetically draining daytrip to the nearest big city.  It’s great for it’s stiffness when I have to whisk it off the table and out of the way when the cat decides to check out how it’s progressing…
I like cartulina because it is very suitable to the kind of pointalism I enjoy playing with.  I like the way it bleeds just a little when it dries, giving it that mosaicy kind of look that I like.  With the bright daylight we have plenty of it makes the paintings remind me of stained glass windows.  I weave lots of stuff into the dots, and I love it when people see their own pictures within my pictures……

Sorry lovely readers, the sun is shining, I’ve got some more meditating to do!

Blue Yonder mkII“Blue Yonder, mk2”, copyright Liz Rosales CatpawsCafe.  Contact me if you want to use it, buy the original or a print.

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