Catpaws Cafe

Random musings from my virtual fountain pen



Be real.  Don’t hide behind platitudes and woo-woo talk.

See me, for once in my life SEE ME!

I’m feeling a little bit lost this weekend in this labour of love of mine and I’m wondering if it ever will be completed or if I am forever doomed to be as substantial as a ghost and as attractive.

Everybody needs help sometime.  Everybody needs support.
My soul chose to do this round invisible.  Without positive feedback.  Imagine that.  I’ve taken one for the team and I’m damn good at it by now.  This body is turning 46 next week and it’s time for something NEW.  It’s time to be acknowledged.  It’s time to be seen.  To turn the invisible VISIBLE and claim the space in life that can only be filled by me and has until now looked vacant.

I don’t know what that looks like.  I don’t know what it feels like.  I don’t even know what I want any more.  But it’s got to be out there because I have not claimed it yet.
This labour is in it’s 70th hour and by now I’m feeling spent, lost, exhausted, and just get it out of me!
I’m wondering if it is the primal scream before fainting, and if so what will I wake up to?

If you have roots, be grateful.  If you have a dream, vocation, passion, be even more grateful.
If you have joy, friends, a roof over your head, a sense of belonging and fulfillment in your life – all the things that makes life and the human experience great and worth all the other times – CELEBRATE!

I’m in labour and I have yet to meet my creation.  I’m feeling the vibrational erection flagging and I wonder for how much longer I can hold it together, how much longer it is going to take.  And then what.

So excuse me if I need some support.  If I need for someone to see me, acknowledge my existence.  I’ve taken this and run with it as far as I could but the gig is up.  It’s time for a change.  Different horizons.  Different work.  New friends.  I need someone to show some faith in me, the faith I’m lacking in my own creator-abilities right now.  That I’m not just a waste of space, waste of years of experience and wisdom which it would be if I never get to share any of it with other beings.

Don’t you want to be useful?  Don’t you want to be part of?  Don’t you want to help?  Don’t you want to be appreciated?  I do.  I want this next part of my life to be Inspiring.  Enjoyable.  Fulfilling.  And to be allowed to share my gifts with the world, rather than feel abused or used when what others want is what I don’t want to give.  Don’t have to give.  Have no interest in doing.  Let me contribute what I’m good at for a change and just watch it bloom!

Our lives are in flux.  We don’t know where we are going but we know we can’t stay for much longer in this familiar suffering.  I call it familiar suffering even tho I don’t like the expression.  It means living by fear.  Living day by day on the hope that One Day it will ”get better”.  If we just hang in there it will improve, and bestow some small blessing that will make it all better.  A break.  When the truth is, our job here is done.  It’s time to move on.  Even if we don’t know where or how.
A kingdom for a ”normal” straight forward life.  To know where you want to live, to feel rooted and have the supportive network of friends.  A garden.  Know what you do for a living and loving life.  To not once more leap off into the unknown, with all the fears of where to land, how long until we make new friends, where will we live, what about visas and work?  It is said every journey begins with the first step.  There is so much we need before then.  Stuff that more often than not cost money.

It’s so much right now I feel like bailing out.  I don’t want what I’ve got until now.  I want more.  I want different.  No more cr@p.   So please, may I ask for your support, they way I have supported countless others over the years and will no doubt continue to do so until the day my dust is spread for the wind to scatter.  Just intend for clarity and a more fulfilling way of life from now on.  Acknowledge me.  And anyone else close to you who is struggling to at the moment.  Thank you.

Love, Catpaw.

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One thought on “Validation

  1. Sue Trainor on said:

    I don’t know you but I read this post which I found on Facebook. You are no longer invisible to me. Thank you for sharing your thoughts – there are many of us out there who feel the same way you do. I am holding you in my thoughts and heart and asking for clarity for you.

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