A different insight into multidimensionality
I was sitting at the table trying to make sense of the feeling curled up tight in the pit of my stomach. It had been there last night and returned this morning after I had a shower and breakfast. There was discernable dread, and fear, and anger/defensiveness, all for no apparent reason, plus an other one I had yet to pin to understand and make some sense of. I let the words flow onto the paper unsensored in the hope that at some point this purge would expulge the feeling of suck…
I felt upset, but completely out of proportion. I felt a sting of not good enough, but that was not it. I felt like I’d been labelled by someone else – wrongly – and now being judged because what it said on the label was not what was in the package… My hands were actually shaking at this point, and a part of me could not wait to find out wtf is really going on here… I felt fear and criticism somehow saturate my whole life experience all at once, expressed and withheld, imagined and experienced. My life condensed into an accordion-like tubular shape the size of a large soup-can, which I was looking at and feeling at the same time. A heavy dose of you’re not enough washed over me, and… I feel… PERSECUTED! That’s the feeling! Persecuted! Hounded. BREATHE. Just breathe. And again.
I closed my eyes. My high heart is fluttering. Like I’ve been fleeing on foot for miles. Keep a low profile. Live a quiet life. But the bastards will still find you and use you, and the would be protectors will never spot ya… I write the sentences down as I hear them in my head, without judgement, without demanding it make sense to my mind.
My solar plexus is aching.
I have all these good ideas and all for nothing? I feel hopeless. Held down, held back. I don’t even know what it is that I fear. It’s just that nondescript, indistinct fear permeating my torso, making my limbs jittery. Wtf?
Stones are being thrown. Mock spears of wood. I can’t flee. My feet are bound to this big boulder. The mob has made up it’s mind and nothing I can say will or can make it change it’s group mind. A stone the size of a mango hits my right temple. A bigger one my left shoulder-blade.
I try to reassure the frightened and bewildered me that I love her and I got her.
But if you love me why can’t you do something? Very good question for which I have no answer.
Now we’re both crying, my body heaving with the sobbing that knows nothing else at this point, no up down forward or past. I do not care who sees or hears me. My tears are her tears too, and if I’ve ever been in the moment, now is one of those times. There is no past, there is no future, there is only now.
She is almost unconscious by now and we’re both silently praying for it to be over soon.
The mob is turning away. It’s going to be a slow death process. Just little children left throwing little stones and gravel as hard as they can, the boys daring each other to kick the ”witch”.
So many wounds, so many broken bones.
Slow, cruel, painful, death.
(And you ask me why I do not like people, why I stay away from mobs and crowds. Are we all born barbarians to become whatever we’re taught to be?)
There’s a little girl still around when the others have got bored and left. She is hiding behind a tree and some scrubs and when she’s certain noone is watching she steals close and in her grubby little hand brings a few small forest flowers which she places near my face. She pushes my hair out of my eyes before she leaves.
Witch material for sure my current me observes. She is scarred, she’s only 5 or 6, she is horrified, but in her heart she knows what’s been done is wrong. I do not recognize her energy signature, nor am I aware of any relationship between me then and the girl.
I don’t know what the message here is. Maybe it just is. I don’t know what to do, to stay or go. There’s no etiquette book for these things and tho I would like to stay (because I think I would want that), this woman is too traumatized to care. There is nothing I can do for her, and nothing I can undo.
What is different to all the other times I’ve watched other incarnations of my soul or been downloaded with another life is that this one is somehow real-time… I just know this. I feel it as it unfolds and there’s no fast forward. It’s painful and uncomfortable because I want to end it for me/ her/ us? And I can’t. There’s nothing I can do. I could sit here in a state and wait and keep vigil of sorts, but I feel that would serve no purpose. Still anchored to the dying body but no longer conscious and not aware of our connection, I choose to bring my attention back to the kitchen and the cat and my coffee. There’s nothing I can do that would make the darnedest bit of difference to body or soul anyway, and that’s hard to swallow.
The thought that at some point in time I could have been part of one of these mobs – willingly or just to save my own neck – revolts me. I don’t want to think about it, but nor am I denying the possibility of it.
Where else in my modern day life do I feel persecuted? I’m fed up living with fears, unspecified or specific. For what kind of a life does that make for? We made the connection for a reason – and I will try find a way to clear this within me.
I check back with her a few hours later and by then she is dead. I don’t know whether to be relieved or grieve, and I feel a bit of both.
Catpaw on Huxday, September 2012
[I did go looking for more back ground a few days later and I found some. For now I’ll just add that to me she is Sally, not entirely correct but close enough.]
I can relate to this . every thing. and i dont think i have enough words to explain fully my journey of healing this.
i was given reading by eloheim, in which i found out that in one of my past lives i was killed by a mob for being a princess and they did not like the control of the royals.
all my life of this life time i hated people. scared of them. disliked mob mentality.
i want to turn away from groups, keep them pleased to be safe. etc. i couldnt take that pain any more. so began my journey of healing.
it feels like , there is no equal to even explain what one is going through, there feels like a strong sense of injustice done. the self , aspect of that life is deeply trumatized that no amount sanity , or discussion will even penetrate that thick layer os hurt , distrust and fear. this is how i found the energy when i decided to heal it.
initially it began with an intention to ‘heal’. i tried many things. affirmations, being conscious , thinking positive, letting go, letting in , etc etc etc.
nevering ending trys of ‘effort’.
ultimately and gracefully i was tired of trying to ‘heal’ or ‘fix’ it.
thats the begining of the grace in my life. i was called for a deep surrender as i set forth my intention to be ‘FREE’
slowly i recognised there is no avoiding of the pain, or running away or indulging in it. what was need, was to ‘STOP’. simply stop pushing it away, indulging, changing and fixing it. the invitation was to stop fixing it , so that i can DIRECTLY MEET IT.
this required lion’s courage which i am still exploring.
In the direct meeting of the pain as it is without any STORY of me, i felt the energy field , let my consciousness sink through it without fighting , neither indulging.
miraculously , i discovered deeply who i am is not that energy field, netiher the story , it is something deeper as was ever free and there were NO OTHERS who are part of the story. its all me. every body else were in my dream of the story. The pain was of deep distrust, which was a direct lesson , or invitation to discover that which is who i am , which is trust itself. the whole experience was to discover , instead of looking for trust in my thoughts and emotions , discover my SELF which is beyond thoughts and emotions. The whole suffering was because i identified myself with an emotional center. i experienced life from an emotional body , so i felt the truma as part of my self creating a deep separation of me and the others who killed me. infact there is no separation. when i go deep, i go so deep that it becomes apparent that the others are conceptual stories in my head , everything is consciousness, and i am untouched by any truma. i can clearly see the emotional body to what it is.
i am still discovering the depth this teaching. and this truma had been the perfect gateway.
i invite you to explore the videos of GANGAJI , hope it speaks directly to your heart and you may benefit from it. there comes a point when fixing a ‘personality’ is very tiring and does not fulfill our deeper longing for peace . thats the perfect invitation to walk on the journey of honest self discovery. its beyond effort, beyond trying fix , because who we are is already perfect. the journey then becomes about the recognition and the realization of that. this requires one to go beyond the ‘little me’ or the ‘personality self’.
hope this helps you.