Testing testing – Journal entry 10 December 2011
I’ve just been watching my friend Ninas latest set of stunning photos from Japan on fb. She’s the newly minted circus artist who got a job with Universal Studios. Not her parents favourite choice of a profession (I think dentist was more their idea) but I think they are really proud of their daughter now. Then I spotted Judy’s latest post from wherever she is this week. Judy and I were once house-mates in London.
So what do these lovely ladies have in common apart from being in their own way very stylish and striking looking independent women traveling the world?
They are my aspirants (is there such a word and if there is, did I use it correctly?) in that they have found what they love and are passionate about and are doing just that and very successfully too. And in this world of dualism we still largely inhabit observing them also stirs up pain, undefinable longing and even a tiny bit of jeallousy.
Don’t get me wrong; I don’t want their lives. I don’t want their mates. I have no desires on their respective careers. I don’t want to be doing what they are doing. What I want is to find what makes me feel like I feel when I watch them shine from the page.
It’s not that I haven’t done things I loved before, every now and then, but I’ve never had that sense of ‘well done me’, of my love of something somehow reflected back to me in worldly appreciation.
”Do what you love and the money will follow”. Ain’t necessarily so. Do what you love and you won’t care if the money follows or not. Perhaps.
So I have some blockages to prosperity to find and clear out. That’s still not it.
I came here to do something, a mission in this incarnation if you like, I know that with every cell in my body and I can’t find it. That is what is driving me crazy, more than financial prosperity, professional recognition and physical location and fitness factor put together.
Sure, having more money would be nice. The body to carry off any wardrobe would be fab. To be able to travel again too. But what I’m looking for is not sights to take photos off to show my friends. Where I want to go is not to be found marked as a destination on any map. Kindred spirits and soul family do not usually sit and wait at the foot of ruins and other sights.
I want to feel good, really good, and content once again. With myself, with what I do, with what I’ve accomplished recently and for the joy of it.
There’s no marketplace situated near the cave of this monk, and I don’t mind my cave, honestly I don’t. But ffs give me a glimmer of what what I’m supposed to do, what I’m here for. Don’t tell me shoot an arrow in any direction and just see in what direction it flies and what’s there. I’ve done that. I’m sick and tired of looking. I’m sick and tired waiting. I’m sick and tired of trying one more thing, just because there’s nothing else I can see and I’m bored with where I’m currently at. Which in theory is shooting in just any direction. Don’t tell me to look within once more. I think I have rummaged through every internal nook and cranny so many times that I’ve had it. Enough! I’m sick of doors slamming in my face. Don’t tell me to do what’s in my lap coz I’d literally never leave the house, there’s always something to tend to around and it’s not what I’d call fun, emotionally rewarding or even the teensiest step forward, just more of the crap that’s always around no matter where you are.
I’ve had enough of ordinary. I’ve had enough of Potential for Spiritual Growth being a fancy name for Should feel Grateful when pain of being beaten up continuously momentarily stops.
I’ve had it with waking up to a feeling of dread rather than something – anything – more positive and inspiring every frakkin’ morning. Day after day after day of more of the same without anything to look forward to. Just more damage control and no tangible progress. I do what’s in my f-in lap but in spite of u2u’s galore there is nothing in my 3d world reflecting any of the progress I know I have made.
It’s not so much overachieving lightworker don’t want to take a break (Eloheim’s terms and definitions). I’ll be delighted to take a break once I see some improvement in my outside life but like so many others I just keep going because there is nothing discernible still after all these yrs.
All of those of you who have found what they want to do in life, their life purpose, and who are living it. I hope you recognize just how darn fortunate you really are.
Oh to feel passionate about something once more, not just passionately frustrated about the absence of it.